Here’s something that comes up a lot in my coaching sessions: Is it okay to date more than one guy at a time? I say it depends on how you define dating, and where you are in the dating cycle.

There is a huge difference between casual dating and an ongoing dating relationship. The first is lighthearted and informal and has few expectations. It’s coffee in the park or lunch on a Saturday. On the other hand, deliberate dating is more involved, and shows a certain level of commitment – even if you don’t call it that. It’s holiday dinners with your family and breakfast in bed.

Casual dating gives you a chance to learn a little about him and see if you “click.” In fact, it might help to think of your first few dates as the interview process. Flirt a little (or a lot), get to know him better, and decide if you want to take it to the next level. At this point, dating several men is simply the most efficient way to narrow the playing field.

If casual dating is the interview process, then deliberate dating is the trial period, during which you decide if you want to keep him around permanently. Once you’ve entered this phase, multiple partners are generally not a good idea, for several reasons.

Number one is the issue of sex. It’s just not smart to have more than one sexual partner at a time. Both your physical and emotional health can suffer when you’re being intimate with more than one guy.

And how do guys feel about being one of many? Men might like the thrill of the hunt, but they certainly don’t want another hunter in their territory. Many men will pull back at the first sign of a competitor. And if the guy is serious about you, knowing that you’re dating more than just him may drive him away.

Then there’s the risk of sending a message you don’t mean to send. Just as men who date many women simultaneously gain a reputation of being a player, women who do it will earn the dubious title of serial dater. That’s a big turn off for a lot of guys – especially those who are in a commitment frame of mind – you know, those guys you’re trying to attract.

So go ahead, date a lot of guys. The only way to find the right man for you is to “interview” a lot of applicants. But before Saturdays at the farmer’s market turn into a romantic bed-and-breakfast getaway, make sure you focus your attention on one special man.

Do you know the answer?

No it’s not a secret.

Come a little closer to the screen.

The simple answer is this, women have choices.

Let me repeat that, WOMEN HAVE CHOICES.

The empowered woman of today who is confident, independent and career oriented can choose her man. Old days little or no choice, today choice. Choice is such a beautiful thing. Yet with so many choices, it’s hard to see the forest through the trees. There are men who are serious about relationships. There are men just seeking sex. Then there are men with issues who sabotage their relationships.

So to give you a hand, I have identified a few of these types of men who have a ticking bomb behind their backs.

Let’s first start with the Complainer.

The complainer whines that all women are users, gold diggers or have tons of issues. He has a habit of choosing women who are not a fit, therefore he complains all the time. His favorite lament is that relationships don’t work and he creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Imagine what happens when two complainers meet…. I shutter think.

Have you ever met the complainer?

How much fun is he…NOT!

Next is the Emotional Vampire.

This man can be needy. He can suck your life energy dry. He can be jealous & possessive. He doesn’t want to be alone.
He feels empty without you. He can be clingy or pouts when you go out with your friends. You feel suffocated and you can’t breath. You feel cornered. He’s like a wet blanket, you just want to get rid of him.

Do you know this type of co-dependent man?

I’m sure you have met a Emotional Vampire or two in your time, right?

Now let me ask, have you ever met the Perfectionist?

Mr. Perfect, actually this man doesn’t see himself as perfect, rather he’s looking for Ms. Perfect. This man thinks that maybe the next woman he meets might just be the one. He is looking for what I call the bigger better deal. Somehow the next woman will be better looking, better in bed, more fun and more confident. Most of the women he meets is about 75/80% of what he is looking for, but he wants 100%… he’s looking for Ms. Perfect. This man is fun to date for about 6 weeks, then he finds reasons to fault you and then POOF he’s gone. This man needs a slap upside the head and a dose of reality…. partnership is about appreciating & accepting of the whole package. When you meet 80% be grateful.

Now I have to ask, do you know this man?

Have you ever dated a perfectionist?

Let’s move on…

While there are a few more types of men who sabotage their relationship.

I am going to wrap up with the Serial Dater.

This speed dater sabotages the relationship right after the very first date. He loves the thrill of the first date. Actually, this man is looking to fall head over heels instantly. (I know this guy, because I was him for a while). He is looking for cupid to shoot him in the butt.

Now here is the deal with this man.

Listen closely, you don’t want to miss this.

He comes on so strong on the first date and he will try to sleep with you. Let me say that again, he will try to sleep with YOU! Here’s what happens when you say “yes” to first date sex. He wakes up in the morning and then realizes, no arrow in his butt.  Next thing you know, he’s out the door. No call, no text and no email the next day… POOF he’s gone.  The moral here, don’t sleep with a man on the first date.

Now let me ask you, have you ever dated any of these types of men?

Any chance you can be one of these types?

Let’s face, whether man or woman, nobody likes being in a relationship with someone who has a tendency to sabotage their relationships.  Actually, none of these men were really relationship ready.

Did you know there are certain types of “relationships” commitment ready men choose?

Can you name a few of  these types of relationships?

If you grew up in the 70′s, you probably watched at least a few episodes of “The Brady Bunch” on the old clunker TV with knobs you had to turn. Not only did the show sugar-coat how harmonious combined families could live, but it set the bar high for traditional, first-marriage families.

This may have seemed like a great role model to live by, but it was a disservice to reality.

In the real world, combined families are quite common, but not without generous helpings of discord. With half of all marriages ending in divorce, and most marriages having children involved, the likelihood of becoming a step-parent in a second marriage runs pretty high. What’s missing is the “combined family guide book” that prepares parents for the daunting task of combining two families under one roof.

The Brady’s got along cheerfully for the most part (except for some hair-raising scenes in their shared bathroom), but the show failed to depict a presence of ex-spouses, or real, ongoing issues that manifest inevitably. If both mother and father are widowed, it makes parenting more transitional than trying to schedule visits, or deal with conflicting rules of the non-custodial parent.

If you fell victim to “the Brady Bunch syndrome” in the back of your mind, you will need a reality check before proceeding forward. No problem couldn’t be solved within 24 minutes for this fictitious family, but remember that it was based on ratings-driven fantasy. Think alongside of “Modern Family” and “Step Brothers” to get a preview of how multi-faceted blended families can be. And realistically, expect more like years for families to mesh together.

Here are some things to remember for anyone who wants to make their own “Brady Bunch”– that is, without Hollywood screenwriting magic, and suspension of disbelief:

1. Keep in mind that it will not be like a “traditional family.” You need patience to cope with stress levels escalating when both families are together. Superhero strength patience.
2. Space is a commodity. The more children you have in a combined family, the less space you will have for each family member (unless you’re living in the Spelling mansion).
3. Boundaries and rules must be agreed to and established by the combined parents. When conflict erupts among your kids, both parents have to enforce rules or make quick judgments governing the home.
4. There are only ex-spouses, not ex-parents. The real mother or father (however horrible you think they might be) will always be golden to the children, so don’t try to replace anyone’s role.
5. Avoid conflict by parenting your own children and enforcing rules to step-children. One way to avoid stepping on toes is to tell step-children, “in this house, we…” while the true parent does the disciplining/parenting.
6. Watch for fairness. Being strict with your own children and passive with step-children will cause resentment and tension in the household. Remember that visits aren’t “guests” of the house, and they should uphold rules just like resident children.

There is also a possibility of dealing with an ex-spouse who can wreak havoc on a combined family. Try to establish a way to deal with outside static, and when in doubt, use humor to get through sticky situations. Even the Bradys had a live-in maid, and stay at home mother. Who can afford a maid with six kids and a single income these days?

Raising a family is the hardest job in the world– even for traditional families. With an ample supply of patience, perseverance and a dash of funny bone, combined families can also weather the storms that come with blending lives. Add to that unconditional love and they will receive the necessary tools for a happy, healthy life.

Men at any age are trying to keep the freedom of a 21-year-old

Whether a man is over 40 or in his 20s, he wants to find a true and meaningful love. He may enjoy the freedom of having many women to “sample from,” but ultimately, men are in search of “the one.” He may party like a frat-boy, and sleep around with a new woman every week, but underneath the fun times is a man curious to find the one woman he wants to share his life with.

Some men have had their heart broken and are afraid of having it hurt again. Some have been in long term relationships, but didn’t feel that the woman they were with would be the one to spend “forever after” with. Perhaps the man is new to love and likes to take things slow when it comes to opening his heart. But rest assured: men, like women, like children, like superheroes, all want to love and be loved.

And when love hits, it hits men hard.

Some women approach men with the mind-set: if a man is pushing 40 and was never married, he’s probably not the marrying type. This could be the cause of losing a great guy that just went through life “playing the field” but is finally ready to commit. Just when he’s ready to open his heart to “the one,” special woman, a golden opportunity of love is lost from assuming things.

When you assume things, well, you know the rest.

Men in love will move mountains to show their affection, devotion and need to please the one woman who speaks to his heart. They will give up their frat-style partying, clean up their act, and go out of their way to show you that they are worthy of your love. We all want to have love in our lives– even men. Don’t believe the media hype that men want to run from women and commitments. They need you as much as you want them.

If you find a man who will pause his video game to text you, marry him! – unknown

Give a man the idea of choosing to commit, and he’ll be all yours

One of the worst things women do when they are falling for a man is to put them on the spot with the question: where is this relationship going? Or worse, they give ultimatums to men on deciding if they want to “commit” or get the “heave ho.” Men are like wild animals when they become trapped: they’d rather chew off their own legs than feel “captured.” Allowing a man to decide for himself whether or not he wants a commitment will give him the confidence he needs to feel in control.

An example of this behavior, is the concept of hunter and prey. Men love a challenge, and it is often said that the “hunt itself is more exciting than actually catching the prey.” When a woman confronts a man about revealing how he feels about her, she can literally set him off and running in retreat. It’s probably no surprise to women that men aren’t as “in touch with their feelings” as women are, so it literally scares the daylights out of them to tap into their emotions.

Patience is a virtue, and commitment takes time

A man wants to go after the object of his desire, and achieve success on his own, purposefully, with stealth, and his “man skills.” The bottom line here is: if and when a man feels ready to draw the line of commitment, he wants to be the one to decide how and when it’s going to happen. Sorry, ladies, but you’ll have to be patient with him. If he’s the right one for you, it will be worth the wait.

Don’t ask him, let him ask you.

When love hits a man and he’s decided you are the one, he will become possessive of having you to himself. Let a man realize that he doesn’t want to live without you, and he will come forward with his intentions. Men don’t want to be controlled, so giving them the freedom of choosing is the most loving act you can provide.

I was recently asked by a woman how a man would react if he knew she was dating several men at a time. She really liked one of them and contemplated telling him about the others to see if he’d try a litter harder to win her over. But is that really wise?

Will he be more into the chase, or will he start to back off once he finds out how many other men are on your dating roster?

How would you feel if the tables were turned?

Despite the evolutionary fact that men are competitive by nature, you might be surprised to learn that relationship ready men don’t always like competition, especially when there is a high probability of losing. Contrary to popular belief, competition is actually more of a stressor for men than an ego-driven match.

While men are definitely hunters when it comes to getting women in bed, such competitiveness might actually be a turn off to a relationship ready man as it may cause him to question how serious the woman is about finding a relationship if she’s dating several men at a time. Some ego-driven men might see the competition as a challenge, but most men will just see it as a waste of time.

A man’s reaction to competition is loosely based on three factors: the woman herself, the level of connection he has with her and his level of interest in this woman. In general, if a man really likes a woman, his competitive nature will start to kick in and he’ll want to stake claim on his territory, so to speak. However, if a man isn’t particularly interested in a woman, or if she’s too hard to get, then it’s not really worth the effort to him to continue to pursue her.

Personally, I prefer to date one person at a time three dates at a time. In my book, The Relationships Men Commit To And Why, I talk about three dates in three weeks. If a person, man or woman, can’t focus on one person for just three dates, you have to ask yourself: how serious can you really be about giving a relationship a chance with someone.

When I met my sweetheart and realized how much I really liked her,  my territorial side came out because I didn’t like how it felt to be one of many choices. I wanted to be the only choice, which is why I promote dating only one person at a time.

At the end of the day, if you’re lying in bed wondering why he suddenly stopped calling you, it is probably best to keep your dating habits to yourself in the future until you feel a mutual connection. Telling a man about the other men you’re dating will significantly change the dynamics of dating that person, and not always for the better.

Valentine’s Day is almost upon us, and if you are reading this, you may or may not have gotten a Valentine’s Day gift for that special man in your life.

If you HAVEN’T already gotten a Valentine’s Day gift for your man yet, then you may want to check out my recent TV debut for a little inspiration. I was just in San Francisco last week filming a TV segment where I shared with viewers several fun Valentine’s Day gift ideas.

If you HAVE already gotten a Valentine’s Day gift for your man, then allow me to properly advise you on five items NOT to get your man for Valentine’s Day so you can exchange your gift before it’s too late.

1. Cologne. “Gee, thanks sweetheart…(for telling me I smell).” If he doesn’t really wear cologne, then there is a high probability that your gift will end up collecting dust in the medicine cabinet. If he does wear cologne, and you get him something that isn’t replacing what’s already in his medicine cabinet, then you’re gift could potentially be interpreted as you telling him you don’t like the way he smells.

2. A Gift Card. “Thanks darling, how thoughtful…” You may think this is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift because then he can get whatever he wants, and you don’t have to worry about getting him the wrong thing BUT you do because a gift card makes it painstakingly obvious to us that you have no idea what we like and don’t really care enough to put forth the effort figuring it out.

3. Rogaine. Luckily, I still have a full head of hair, but not all men are created equal. Getting a man Rogaine as a Valentine’s Day gift might be a little bit of an ego bruiser diminishing any youth we may have left in us.

4.  Underwear or Socks. Getting a guy under garments as a Valentine’s Day gift is comparable to getting a guy a gift card. It’s another one of those no-fail gift ideas that end up flopping anyway because of thoughtlessness behind it.

5. A Self-Help Book. However good your intentions may be, getting your man a self-help book for Valentine’s Day gift will just bruise his ego on the one day of the year when he needs it most–to please you ladies. While you may think that a book on strengthening your relationship is intended to enhance your relationship, we might actually see it as a passive-aggressive tactic to manipulate or control us.

There you have it, ladies–five things NOT to get you man for Valentine’s Day, and some fun ideas for things you SHOULD get your man instead in the TV clip I mentioned earlier.

In a few hours, I am going to be interviewed on live television for a Valentine’s Day Special on an ABC Talk-show

They say that public speaking ranks as one of the highest fears someone might face–even higher than dying.

So as I prepared for this segment, my girlfriend gave me a GREAT suggestion.

Rather than focusing on the negative, she said to me:  Say this in your mind…

“HOW COOL IS THIS?”

“How cool is this?” I remarked.

Yes, that’s right. Cool is associated with FUN. So how can there be fear when we are having fun?

I’ll let you know in a few hours if this trick works.

So, how does this relate to men and commitment? Well…

When it comes to relationships, men don’t actually fear commitment. What men really fear is making the wrong choice.

Often, people who fear making decisions tend to vacillate and procrastinate in an effort to avoid the choices they must make.

Making decisions requires confidence.

It requires a degree of certainty.

The irony is that fear of commitment may mask a desperate desire for the intimacy and security that comes from a healthy long-term relationship.

Sometimes, we fear most what we most need.

What men want most is to feel safe.

What men crave most is a sense of home.

Sometimes men get so bound up in what is wrong now, we stop looking at how things could be right…in the future.

There are many benefits, both physical and mental, to being in a healthy relationship.

Women know this, men do not.

So, what can you do?

As my sweetheart said before I left for the studio:

“HOW COOL IS THIS?”

How cool is your relationship?

How much fun are you really having together?

Do you play together?

Are you laughing together?

Men don’t fear fun, right?!

Is your relationship FUN?

Fun is a cornerstone to a healthy relationship.

When I wrote my eCourse The Relationships Men Commit To and Why, I included one key to commitment.

On page 102 of the ebook, the chapter is called: “Keys to the Kingdom”.

There are four keys.

Have you heard of them?

Can you guess what they are?

Are you thinking, or do you already know?

Without a doubt, FUN is on the top of the list.

Fun is associated with cool.

How cool is this?

How cool is my relationship?

Men have no problem making a decision when it involves FUN.

When the choice is fun, the decision is already made.

He chooses YOU!

This story got me really thinking about how women sometimes have such a negative self-image because of the way beauty is portrayed in the media. There’s so much focus on looking good to attract the right man into you life, but what happens when your looks start to fade, your hair starts to gray, and your boobs start to sag?

No matter how much Botox you inject into your lips to make them look like Angelina Jolie’s or how many boob jobs you get to make your breasts as perky as Sofia Vergara, your looks will only take you so far in a relationship. If you don’t have anything else going on for you besides your looks, then you are going to have some huge problems in the relationship department.

As visual as men are when it comes to attraction, we notice a lot more about you than the way you do your hair or your nails. If you really want a relationship ready man to notice you when you walk into a room, there are at least three qualities we look for in a woman that will really get our attention and pique our interest in you.

1. Confidence. A confident woman is a beautiful woman. The way a woman carries herself, the way she speaks, the way she interacts with others–those are the things that a relationship ready man really notices about you. It’s kind of hard for us not to notice a woman who exudes confidence.

2. Sense of Humor. Pretty faces are easy to come by, but what’s really refreshing for a man is meeting a woman with a great sense of humor. While recent studies have shown that women are typically attracted to men with broody good looks (think James Dean), researchers have actually found the opposite to be true for men who are typically are drawn to happy, smiling women. So by all means, laugh out loud when we’re around.

3. Intelligence. There’s no bigger let down for a man than a beautiful with a pea-sized brain. As visually stimulating as a woman might be, the attraction falls short when there’s no mental stimulation… or any other stimulation for that matter. A woman who is just as smart as she is sexy is a huge turn on for a man because it lets us know you have a lot going for you than just your looks.

Confidence, intelligence and a sense of humor are three qualities that speak volumes of a woman’s personality. While you may be busy obsessing over how good you look to us, we’re busy “obsessing” about what’s underneath the facade–more like observing–to see if you are the kind of a woman we just want to sleep with or the kind of woman we want to marry and settle down with.

So the next time you decide to give yourself a makeover to better attract the man of your dreams, here’s a tip: try working on your inner beauty for a change. Skip the beauty spa and read a book or learn a new skill that will make you uniquely attractive. True beauty happens from the inside out, so do yourself and the relationship ready man of your dreams a favor and make it your daily resolution to better yourself on the inside to enhance your overall beauty.

But there’s one slight problem—you haven’t had “The Talk” yet. So really, nothing is quite official until you’ve both talked about the status of the relationship. Does he feel the same way about you as you do him? Are you allowed to date other people? Can you start referring to him as your boyfriend? These are questions you may think you know the answers, but can never really know for sure until you’ve had one little conversation.

It’s a conversation that many of us put off for as long as we can in light of an old adage–If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it–under the false notion that having “The Talk” will ruin things. After all, once you’ve had the “Relationship Talk”, there is no turning back. If you say too much too soon, you do so at the risk of scaring him away. But if you put it off for too long, you may end up wasting valuable time on someone who never saw eye to eye with you to begin with.

So what’s the best way to approach the subject? Make him bring it up first. Here’s how:

Step 1: Visualize your desired outcome.
The most important thing to consider before having “The Talk” is where you want the relationship to go. Your conversation will most likely lead to nowhere unless you can decide for yourself what your expectations are for the conversation and what action you will take based on that conversation. Should you stay or should you go if things don’t pan out that way you’d like? Decide this beforehand to prepare you for a likely outcome.

Step 2: Set yourself up favorably.
When you’re trying to get something you want from someone, you always to approach the subject from a position of strength. So if you want him to be your boyfriend and to stop dating other women, than sort out all of your bargaining chips and determine what benefits he may want from you that he isn’t already getting now.

For example, he wants to start having sex with you, but you always leave just when things start to get heated. Before you know it, he’ll be the one initiating “The Talk” to find out what he needs to do to have sex with you. At this point, you can use your bargaining chips to let him know that you require an exclusive commitment before having sex with someone.

Step 3: Choose the right environment.
Two major factors that have an impact on how your guy responds are timing and atmosphere. You want to bring up the topic of your relationship status at a time when he isn’t distracted and in a place where he can actually listen to and focus on what you are saying.

In general, men are pretty approachable when they are doing mundane activities like cleaning up after dinner or when you’re coming home from the movies. Choose a time when you are feeling super connected with each other because he’ll be more receptive to discussing your relationship status when he feels particularly close to you.

Step 4: Select your words wisely.
Avoid starting the conversation with “We need to talk.” When a man hears this, his first instinct is to run for the hills. Besides, the word “need” alone gives a man the implication that you depend on him more than you should. Instead, open the conversation with a positive statement that reinforces his ego and lets him know you value his opinions. Speak to his goal-oriented mindset and approach the subject with straightforwardness.

For example, you might say something like: “I really enjoy spending time with you. What do you think about seeing each other exclusively?” If he avoids the subject or rejects the idea completely, than you’ll have a pretty good idea where you stand. If you don’t like where you stand with him, then you need to…

Step 5: Be willing to walk away.
If after having the talk you have determined that the relationship isn’t going where you want to go it, you have to be willing to walk away without going back on your word. Give him some time to really contemplate the prospect of being in a relationship with you. Besides, once you are no longer around, he’s either going to miss you or forget all about you. All you really can do at this point is be patient to see where he stands.

If you don’t hear from him or he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because he doesn’t feel the same way about you. If, on the other hand, he continues to call you and take you out, then you are back in a position of strength for a better outcome. Play your cards wisely this time.

Step 6: Seal the deal with a kiss.
Once you can both agree on the status of the relationship, ease into things slowly by gradually starting to refer to him as your boyfriend so you can give him time to adjust emotionally. But the moment he starts falling back into old patterns, you may need to consider ending the relationship so you can be free to find a truly relationship ready man.

We all have a few skeletons lying somewhere in our closets in the form of emotional baggage–an iconic image that represents the weight of all the painful memories we carry on our shoulders everywhere we go. These skeletons come in all shapes and all sizes, from unrealistic expectations to problematic trust issues.

Often times, we use the skeletons in our closet to build a cage around our hearts that will protect us from ever getting hurt again, but we also end up rejecting others from ever truly getting close to us. Is your emotional baggage doing you more harm than it is good? I guess that depends on what kind of man you are trying to attract into your life.

In my book, Understand Men Now, a woman’s guide to understanding men in relationships, I talk about six different types of men you will come across in the dating world. When it comes to emotions, most men try to avoid them like the plague, but some men may actually try to help you clean out your closet.

Here are six ways how a relationship ready man might react to the skeletons in your closet:

1. If he’s a nice guy, he’s more apt to accepting you as you are, flaws and all. He knows you have a few skeletons in the closet, but is willing to overlook them because he is kind, caring, and doesn’t mind helping you work through some of your issues, as long as it doesn’t stir up some of his own.

2. If he’s the bad boy type, he doesn’t really care how many skeletons are in your closet, as long as they are all in your closet and not his. He’s great to be around when you need a fun distraction from your issues, but he’s hardly the kind of person you can talk to about your feelings because he simply doesn’t care.

3. If he is somewhat of a Casanova, be forewarned that this kind of man will trick his way to your heart, pitting your skeletons against you and using them to his own advantage. If he seems too good to be true, it’s probably because he is. But if you do end up winning the heart of this guy, then he will be more than eager to come to your rescue and sweep you off your feet.

4. If a man has a few skeletons of his own hiding out in his closet, then it probably would not be wise to share yours with him. Sometimes, a man will focus on or highlight your issues to avoid dealing with his own, but this will only end up creating more emotional baggage in the long run. It might be safe to avoid this kind of man altogether unless you don’t mind sharing a closet full of skeletons.

5. If he’s an intellectual type, know that this kind of man responds better to logic and reason than to feelings and emotions. The only kind of baggage this guy will consider taking is a lightly packed carry on, in which case he may feel so compelled to help you clean out your closet and bury those skeletons so that they don’t haunt you anymore.

6. If he’s an awakened man, he won’t hold your past against you, but he may hold it against you if you’re the type who likes to dwell on the negatives, which can be total turn off for a guy. While the awakened man realizes and understands that emotional baggage is an unavoidable part of life, he may ask you to check your baggage at the door when it’s just the two of you. An awakened man would rather enjoy everything that’s good about you than focus on the bad.

Different kinds of men will react to the skeletons in your closet in different ways, depending on the woman. The more refined we become with age, the more likely we are to carry with us a few skeletons in the closet in the form of emotional baggage. The most important thing I want you to realize is that these skeletons are only a turn off initially, because how well a woman carries herself despite adversity is what really defines her character in the eyes and heart of relationship ready man.