Why Pulling Back Doesn’t Bring Him Closer

Why Pulling Back Doesn’t Bring Him Closer

Couple pull awaySo you’ve been dating for a few months, the passion, chemistry and time together seems beautiful and constant. You’re beginning to believe this relationship has a chance. Your relationship seems like it’s on equal footing and you equally engage in initiating conversations. The bottom line is that you feel like you’re on the same page. In addition, you haven’t been needy or demanding.

Here’s the thing, all of a sudden he pulls away. Without warning, just a major pull back by him.

Now you decide not to do what so many others do which is reach out constantly in an anxious panic, but rather you decide to do the same as him (pull away) hoping his anxious side will bring him back. So when he finally reaches out with a text or email, you stall. A few hours go by and he reaches out again, and you stall or don’t respond altogether.

This is game playing and tantamount to playing chicken waiting to see who flinches first.

There is a belief that if you follow this tactic you can trigger a man’s anxious side and then you will be in control, almost like you will have him eating out of the palm of your hand.

Sorry friends, that only works for about a minute. Why he pulled back or why he disappeared happens for a reason. When you understand his “why” you can make better choices for your actions going forward. There is a cause to every action (even pulling away) and when we better understand someone we want to spend time with, the better our relationship will be. Rather than playing games, seek to understand.

Ask yourself the following: Could his life be in transition and does he have a lot on his plate? Does his personal distractions limit his ability to be fully in and does he have the same time as you do for a relationship? Has he cleared his past and is ready for a future? Does his life have passion and purpose or is he spinning circles?

Ask questions first before you take action. Maybe he needed space, maybe he’s deciding whether to move forward or to end the relationship. Before you play a game, call him and find out what’s up. Talk to him, learn what’s really going inside his head. If you’re friends, he’ll be honest and share his feelings accordingly. If he’s not ready for a serious relationship, better to know now before you fully give your heart. Have a conversation before you play a game.

Let me just say, all the game playing in the world will not change his circumstances. Seek to understand first before you react and your relationship has a winning chance. For more, CLICK HERE

“The most amazing physical chemistry in the world is no substitute for a friendship that speaks to the soul.” ~ Jonathon Aslay

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6 Responses to Why Pulling Back Doesn’t Bring Him Closer

  1. Loy July 19, 2013 at 5:18 pm #

    Thanks for the advice Jonathon.

  2. Laurie Waschenko August 10, 2013 at 8:52 am #

    Thank you for this, Jonathan! The question is, though, when he pulls way back and you know because he’s in transition, what does one do then? Especially when there has not been a conversation about the pull back. Do you let him just come to you or reach out every week or so just say a quick “hope you are well”.? And of course, he could be intentionally fading away so as to avoid an “it’s over conversation”.

  3. Jonathon Aslay August 10, 2013 at 9:00 am #

    Laurie, if you know your man is going through transition and he pulls back, chances are he can only handle so much responsibility (mostly emotional) in the relationship. Men need to regroup when the weight is to heavy and in the space they reevaluate the importance of the relationship. Now often times they only come back for the sex (most women know they are being used, but have selective memory), but when a man has faced his demons, he’s in a better place to take on more in the relationship.

    If a man pulls away, let him and go live your life. You’re not dependent upon him for your happiness. Now if the relationship has reached a partnership status, then by all means reach out and talk. Partnership are grow up relationships and even grown up men take a little space, but it’s rarely more than a few hours or a day.

    Good Luck.

  4. Jeannine November 7, 2013 at 7:04 am #


    The guy I was dating, pulled away for more than a week. I tried to ask him what was going on, but never answered my call nor my voicemail. He was very attentive to me and he was talking about future plans we could have. The last time I saw him everything was great and all of sudden he got silent. I started dating him because I have a friend who told me that he was a great guy and very responsible because he is rasing his kid on its own. I really would like to understand why but I don’t know how to approach him without him to have the impression I am needy. I am telling myself that he might got scared because of his failure in past relationships especially with the mother of the child… I am just in chock of this drastic change of attitude, I would really like to have him in my life, but if he’s is not ready I would like to know…

  5. Jane April 2, 2014 at 6:47 am #

    I disagree, some guys (and girls) are just jerks and pulling back does work. They often come running back begging for a relationship. They want to play games. Those type of men are not worthy of a real relationship. (I’ve been on both sides so I know) We’re not therapists, don’t try to “fix” them (you’ll get friendzoned). This isn’t to say that a little uncertainty wrong. Just be aware.

  6. Kimberly September 14, 2014 at 4:16 pm #

    It’s very unfair and rude for men to pull away without giving an legit explanation. As adults we should be able to express how we’re feeling in a mature manner not by disappearing and leaving the other person clueless. GROW UP

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